Individualno i kolektivno tugovanje/Individual and collective grief

Nekoliko sedmica nakon što se svijet promijenio, i nakon početnog perioda uzbuđenja, novosti, istraživanja o tome šta je korona virus, odakle je, zašto je tu, na individualnom i kolektivnom nivou prešli smo na jedno drugo mjesto – mjesto osvještavanja gubitaka i tugovanja za onim čega više nema ili čega više neće biti. Našli smo se negdje na sredini između dvije realnosti: one stare kakvu smo poznavali i živjeli, i nove, za koju ne znamo kakva će biti i šta će sve donijeti. Iz psihološkog ugla gledanja, to može biti jedno vrlo zastrašujeće i teško mjesto. To je upravo ono mjesto zbog kojeg inače ne volimo promjene, i zbog kojeg tako teško mijenjamo sebe i svoje ponašanje. To je mjesto gdje smo daleko od zone komfora (u ovom slučaju smo prisilno izbačeni iz zone komfora), na nepoznatom terenu bez mogućnosti da kontrolišemo šta će se dalje dešavati.

Brr, kakvo mjesto. Ili, wauu kakvo mjesto?

(Procijenite sami).

Kakvo god uvjerenje da imate o ovom mjestu na kojem smo u sada i ovdje, važno je da znate da ono nosi sa sobom jedan vrlo intenzivan i važan proces a to je proces tugovanja. U ovoj situaciji individualno i kolektivno mnogi tuguju za prošlim životom i svim onim što su imali i kako su živjeli. Također mnogo ljudi će doživjeti razne gubitke, poput gubitka zdravlja, bliskih ljudi, posla, uloga, uvjerenja, sistemske podrške i generalno svijeta kakvog smo svi poznavali.

Kad god nam se desi nešto tako izvanredno, neviđeno, neočekivano i šokantno prolazimo kroz određeni proces prolagodbe odnosno tugovanja za onim što je i kako je bilo prije. Taj proces je najbolje opisala Elisabeth Kübler-Ross u svojoj knjizi ‘’O smrti i umiranju’’ koja je bila inspirirana njenim radom sa terminalnim bolesnicima Proces se sastoji od pet faza tugovanja:

1) Poricanje

Za ovu fazu karakterističan je strah, šok, zbunjenost, i izbjegavanje.

2) Bijes

U ovoj fazi raste frustracija i anksioznost.

3) Depresija

Ovdje se javlja osjećaj bespomoćnosti, preplavljenosti i pokušaja bijega iz situacije.

4) Cjenkanje

Cjenkanje podrazumijeva traženje smisla (“zašto se ovo desilo?”, “ko je odgovoran za ovo?”), kontaktiranje drugih, razmjenu iskustava.

5) Prihvaćanje

Naposljetku dolazi do prihvaćanja, što znači da počinjemo istraživati nove mogućnosti, pravimo novi plan i nastavljamo dalje.

Važno je znati da ove faze ne idu uvijek jedna za drugom kako je to predstavljeno na slici, već se mogu izmjenjivati te imati vrlo individualno trajanje i intenzitet reakcija.

Kako se samopodržati i podržati druge kada osvijestite kod sebe (ili kod drugih) u kojoj je ko fazi?

U prve dvije faze (poricanje i bijes) najvažnija je otvorena komunikacija i dostupnost tačnih informacija o onome što se dešava. U trećoj fazi (depesija) veoma je bitna emocionalna podrška, bilo da je to podrška bližnjih ili profesionalna podrška. U fazama cjenkanja i prihvatanja najvažnije je vodstvo i usmjeravanje ka budućnosti.

Postoje dva različita ishoda procesa tugovanja: 1) prihvatanje pa čak i posttraumatski rast, ili 2) upadanje u dublje stanje depresije i krize.

Od čega zavisi ishod? Zavisi od mnogih faktora, poput individualnih karakteristika, načina suočavanja itd. ali i od od toga da li nam je dostupna odgovarajuća podrška. Zbog toga je veoma važno osvještavati svoje emocije i pratiti se, te potražiti podršku kada prepoznamo da dalje ne možemo sami.

Pored tugovanja za onim što je bilo, možemo tugovati i za onim što će biti u budućnosti. Kako će dalje svijet izgledati nakon što ovo sve prođe (a proći će, jer sve prolazi)? Mnogi se pitaju kako ćemo zarađivati za život? Kako ćemo se družiti? Kako će izgledati ekonomski sistem? Kako ćemo putovati? Kako? Kako?

Odgovor je: ne zna se.

Od svih odgovora, ovaj je za večinu ljudi najgori mogući. Ali, eto ga, tu je pred nama i najmudrije bi bilo prihvatiti ga, takvog kakav jeste.

Šta nam može pomoći u prihvatanju neznanja?

Može nam pomoći življenje u sada i ovdje, iz trenutka u trenutak, iz dana u dan, iz sedmice u sedmicu itd. Poznato? Pa tako smo oduvijek i živjeli, samo nismo toga bili svijesni, jer smo vjerovali u iluziju kontrole života. Ova situacija je tu da nas podsjeti da jedino na šta možemo utjecati smo mi sami, odnosno naše reakcije na okolnosti. Jedino što možemo kontrolisati su naše misli, a samim tim naš emocije  i ponašanje.

Takođe nam može pomoći vjerovanje da se sve oduvijek i zauvijek dešava za naše najveće dobro (koliko god to ponekad izgledalo da je nemoguće), i da možda u ovom trenutku mi ne vidimo kako to može biti dobro za nas. Zato je korisno zapitati se, svako jutro, i više puta na dan, “Radi li život za mene ili protiv mene?” Od vašeg odgovora i uvjerenja ovisi kako će Život da vam uzvrati.

Možemo u svakom trenutku raditi ono što nam donosi radost, najbolje što znamo i koliko imamo kapaciteta da radimo. Možemo prebaciti fokus na druge, ne misliti samo na sebe, na svoje probleme, već se zapitati kako je drugima? Možemo li nekome pomoći svojim prisustvom? Možemo li dati nešto od sebe?

Život nije kratak. Život je vječan. A vječnost se sastoji od sada. Pa još jedno sada. I opet sada. Pa sada. Sada. Budimo u ovdje i sada.

A few weeks after the world has changed, and after an initial period of excitement, news, research into what the corona virus is, where it is, why it is here, on an individual and collective level, we have moved to another place – a place of loss and mourning about our past life. We are somewhere in the middle between two realities: the old as we knew and lived, and the new, which we do not know what it will be like and what it will bring. From a psychological perspective, this can be a very scary and difficult place. This is exactly the kind of place that we don’t normally like to be and place that makes it so dufficult for us to change ourselves and our behavior. It is a place where we are far from the comfort zone (in this case we are forcibly thrown out of the comfort zone), in unfamiliar terrain without the ability to control what happens next. Brr, what a place. Or, wow what a place? (Evaluate for yourself).

Whatever belief you have about this place that we are here and now, it is important that you know that it carries with it a very intense and important process, which is the process of grief. In this situation, individually and collectively, many people feel grief for their past lives and all that they had and how they lived. Also many people will experience various losses, such as loss of health, loved ones, jobs, roles, beliefs, system support and generally the world as we all knew it.

Whenever something so extraordinary, unseen, unexpected and shocking happens to us, we go through a certain process of proclaiming or mourning what was and how it was before. This process was best described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying”, which was inspired by her work with terminal patients. The process consists of five stages of grief:

1) Denial

This phase is characterized by fear, shock, confusion, and avoidance.

2) Anger

At this stage frustration and anxiety grow.

3) Depression

This is where the feeling of helplessness, overwhelm, and trying to escape from the situation occurs.

4) Bargaining

Bargaining involves seeking meaning (“Why did this happen?”, “Who is responsible for this?”), also, contacting others and sharing experiences.

5) Acceptance

Eventually, acceptance comes, which means we start exploring new opportunities, making a new plan, and moving on.

It is important to know that these stages do not always go one after the other as presented in the picture, but can be interchanged and have a very individual duration and intensity of reactions.

How do you support yourself and support others when you become aware of yourself (or others) at each stage?

In the first two stages (denial and anger), open communication and availability of accurate information about what is happening is paramount. In the third stage (depression) emotional support is very important, whether it is the support of loved ones or professional support. In the stages of bargaining and acceptance, the most important thing is leadership and direction towards the future.

Grief stages can go in two directions — acceptance and even post-traumatic growth, or getting into a deeper state of depression and crisis.

What determines the outcome? It depends on many factors, such as individual characteristics, coping methods, etc., but also on the availability of appropriate support. That is why it is very important to be aware of your emotions and to seek support when we recognize that we cannot continue alone.

In addition to grief about what was, we can also feel grief about what will be in the future. What will the world look like after all this passes (and it will pass, because everything passes)? Many wonder how we will make a living? How are we going to hang out? What will the economic system look like? How will we travel? How? How?

The answer is: it is unknown.

Of all the answers, this one is the worst possible for most people. But there it is, we have it in front of us, and it would be wise to accept it as it is.

What can help us to accept ignorance about the future?

Living in the here and now, moment by moment, day by day, week by week, etc. That can help us A LOT. We have always lived like this, just wasn’t aware of it, because we believed in the illusion of controlling Life. This situation with virus is here to remind us that the only thing we can influence is ourselves, that is, our reactions to the circumstances. The only things we can control are our thoughts, and therefore our emotions and behavior.

It can also be helpful to believe that everything always and forever is happening for our greatest good (as much as it may seem impossible at times), and that perhaps at this point we do not see how it can be good for us. So it’s helpful to ask yourself, every morning, and multiple times a day, “Is life working for me or against me?”

We can do things that bring us joy, the best we know and how much capacity we have to do them. We can shift our focus to others, not just think about ourselves, our problems, but ask ourselves how is it for others? Can we help someone with our presence? Can we give something of ourselves?

Life is not short. Life is eternal. And eternity consists of now. And one more now. And now again. Now. Now. Let’s be in the here and now.

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